Leaving behind the natural me!

Who would it think that marriage will required so little and give back so much. When I say so little I refer to, we are ask by the man of our dreams (hopefully) If we will marry them and we say YES!!!. That short line with a simple 3 letter response is our life changing experience, the one that will prepare us and teach us how to become more like a child?. What ? marriage will teach me to be like a child?. I thought we were supposed to be mature people in order to succeed in such unity. Being like a child doesn't mean acting childish ( even if at times is fun and distressful method) but instead think back for those of us who have kids. We can see them playing with other kids, having interaction whether be at the park, library, preschool, you named it and all of a sudden a fight starts, it takes less than 2 minutes for that same groups of kids to be all friends again and keep moving and rolling. Oh wow, how marvelous that formula will be in marriage If we can only apply it. 

being married for almost 4 years and looking forward for a forever with my man, I have seen the need to not only be willing to love unconditional, forgive and forget, be patient, team work, charitable and many other characteristics that I’m trying to work on in a daily basis. . Dr. Jonh Gottman talks in his book, 7 principles to make marriage work about the importance of knowing our love one. Knowing the basics will strength our road, but not only that, also the fact that we will be willing to help that other one to grow will bring the admiration desired from each one involved . He talked about thing we can do to strengthen our robes for those days that our ships are going everywhere because of  the storm that might be  hitting our port. Having those love maps will help us find our way out in a successful way, helping us to fix it instead of throwing it away. Hard and stressful things will happen because life happens but we are the one that can control and manage the stress. It hasn't been told to us that will prevent it If we follow this principles Gottman talks about, but it has been proven that we will be able to manage those stormy days. After almost 4 years of living, sharing, planning and working together to make it happen with my husband I can se where do this principles meet, how they will help and how vital they are to the success of our marriage. We have to forget about what I want, how I want it and how fast I want, because  It has become we. When we focus our efforts and desires in then well-being not only of mine own desires but my loved one, then the sharing a life together becomes more pleasant and enjoyable. Selfish is not to think I want to accomplish goals and succeed in those desires. Selfish is to think I can do it alone or ignoring the other person target point also. We are required to give in not to lose battle but to conquer it. Marriage is a battle and we are the strongest soldiers defending the same army together. 

HEARING HEARTS

Have you ever caught yourself listening to someone talk but actually being selective in your hearing? YES !!!!! that is totally me!. Sad to admitted but I have found myself many times doing this over and over again. I’m a very very independent woman that, dialogue has been hard for me too, to  plan and agree with someone else other than myself, not even on my records. Immature or selfish ? name it as you will, but has been my honest truth.  Awful I know but true, and once you have admitted it is easier to be treated right? YES !!!. Just like any other addiction recovery needs time, effort and commitment.  I have been privileged for being sharing my life and hopefully eternity with a sweet, loving and heart giving companion. We both have different speed limits built in but, we both love each other to the point of being willing to commit for more than eternity and have come to understand little by little that we both came to battle with a good shield built in, that One Third person that guides our marriage.  Wait, what? Third person? Who can even imagine that bringing a third person will helps us to be more loving and caring towards one another. Calm down audience, I invite you to keep reading to meet that one. Person I’m talking about, to understand the benefits of This One person needed in any relationship and so desperately vital  in marriage. That will be The Lord. So how I will make my audience and readers understand me If all might not be that much spiritual or spiritual at all. Hear me out and name your One Third Person the name that fits your believes better. I will take the courage to write what I have and continue to learn about turning to one another and including that Third person in our relationship. From my perspective, a vital step to success.

I have been known since a young age for being a go getter and thinking that, If admiited verbally my needs that will automatically dock points off my independent personality. Marriage has taught me the opposite. Even though my husband tends to forget very easy the things that I say, agreed or want to accomplish, those ones that will make and impact on our relationship are the ones that his brain is very capable of record and never forget (including the cookie dough promised years ago, wink wink) . That show me he cares and is aware of my needs and takes them personal. But why is so important to verbally express those needs. What is the importance of those bids in marriage .  A bid in couples are essential to create, build or re-stablish connection. Quality connection is a must. Sometimes we are there but not present and that is one of the biggest failures in marriages, communication and connection. With all the new technology and everything that surrounds us daily, we are more prompt to forget and simply don’t care at all. I have been caught in this rhythm many times so I have missed the beat on the quality of conversations and connection I can build with my man. At the end of the day, the only one loosing is me. Gottman’s major point is that repeated failure to turn toward in response to our significant other bids leads our  to stop making bids. The relationship sags and both partner feels lonely.(Chapter 5). Is evidently that If we forget to boost that energy in marriage and built the right connections with a sincere desire to care we will NOT  be able to build a strong  foundation that will allow us to choose the best  when making decisions or looking for then best for our family, our spouship ( I made that one up, means spouse and friendship connection) to look for what will benefit both interests. That is where the Third person comes in play. He will guide us and helps us come to the point were the needs of each member are met and we can feel that stronger connection between the two.

For a few weeks now I have been trying the line that goes  “so what I’m hearing from you is …and parrot what my husband has just expressed to me. That have helped me be more attentive and have more of a loving mind and hearing heart. A heart that is not only trying so hard to leave the natural me but a heart that can listen to the beat of our love song, our mutual connection, our stronger bids.