Cleaving into your spouse

Marriage is a big decision in life, probably the biggest one we have to make that will determine a lot Of different factors in one’s life. My mother always told me, once you married,  you marry not only your fiancée, you married the entire family. How true that is and how careful we have to be with the open door policy we have with all the members of our family. Families are the central part of the Creator’s plan and because of that,  we have been blessed with abilities and attributes that will match and help us  grow. However we have to be aware that once married our family will always be our family and we will always rend respect , love and admiration to them, but when decision making comes up for our new family as husband and wife, we are to turn to our eternal companion and figure it out together. Much consume and the advice of living life a c certain way will come from different opinions, but as a married couples we are to politely accept them and consider them as a couple to find which will work the best for our family.

Many couples find themselves fighting or in disagreement over and over again because for some is hard to stop being codependent of mother or father and give the space  that is necessary and draw the line that is needed in order to succeed as a couple. Marriage bring a variety of trials or challenges, while growing together, financial obligations will vary from time to time depending of the need of this family and the stage they are in. I was impressed to learn more about how from toddler years to teenager years a significant change will be made on the recreational and food parts on our budget. It was a great realization to learn that hose changes that may look insignificant can create a big impact in a marriage relationship,  thinking that one of the parties is lacking all of a sudden in the way they have been budgeting. But why this is something that called my attention?. I have come to know many of this couples who suffer from and understanding of each other’s roles and when changes come that affect, specially the financial stability of a family, couples tend to look for target points to blame the other person instead of looking for solutions. In marriage we are to look that the only constant thing is change and change is part of the plan of happiness so we have to be flexible to be adapting rules, budget, meeting, vacation, recreational activities and such to the growth of our children and the need of our family unit, making those traditions our own. 

The privilege of being WOMEN in the Church

This week’s post I will refer it more for LDS members. It is a privilege and with great awe that I can see the equality that existed within the Church in between man and woman. Just as President Hinckley said once, man is not to be but with his woman side to side, not in the front or in the back, but as equal companions. I did phrase that line but the concept is pure. We are equals and we both share roles that when combined fulfill the purpose of the Great Plan of Salvation.

When I was a missionary on temple Square, at Salt Lake City, UT, I was asked in a daily basis by different investigators or visitor how can  I be so devoted to a faith that put woman with no authority. I particularly remember a time when I was assigned to give the first lesson while showing them around temple square to a very prominent person from Spain. Intellectually speaking he was as prepare as someone can be, he hold a very prestige position in the government and was a very well know lawyer from that area. In the other hand here was me, a very friendly, outgoing, smart and spiritual 22 year old girl, with just 3 years of college completed and blessed with a power he was clearly missing, the mantel given to me by the highest authority to serve as a representative of the Church for 18 months as a full time missionary. I recall walking by the temple, and he asked loud and cleared that question, how you Sister can be so devoted to be serving and volunteering 18 months of your life to a Church that believes that the priesthood should be given just to man?. I smiled and from the bottom of my heart bared my testimony about priesthood, motherhood and roles within the marriage in order to reach our highest potential and find joy not only in this life but in the Life to come. I bore my testimony loud and clear about the perfect plan of salvation and the role we each play in it. There were 9 other people with him and all were in silent after it and he just smiled and said to me: Wow, now I can tell that is conviction and not just doctrine. To this day I hold that experience very close to my heart. I’m more than ever convinced that we woman play and important and vital role in building up the kingdom of Heaven here in Earth and are a strategic and vital part on bringing those precious spirits to this life to help them go back to His presence, to Our Heavenly Home!.

Is important that we recognize those truths and act upon them in a daily basis. We won’t have a perfect life and a perfect day every day, but depending on the approach we give to each of our experiences in this time on earth we will be able to come to know more the Savior through the keeping of his commandments and the obedience we show to and towards Him.

Everything has a order within the Church and that is something we are to recognize, His Gospel is perfectly organize so we can know what direction to choose. Our organizations teach us the importance to work in a team and be one in purpose. We are privilege to be part of this wonderful cause and should always look for the opportunities  where we can be reminded of our great worth and the valuable and unique  role we play with in it. 

Marriage life and motherhood is not an exception but vital part of sacred role. 

Forgetting about ME self

In many occasion we can hear the phrase Forgetting about One’s self and we  can very easily think : If I forget about myself, how I am going to be able to find true happiness?. As many experiences in my  life have taught me, forgetting about myself will definitely bring the pure joy that one’s looking  forward to find in this life. I can think of  3 particular times in my life I felt the most happy and energetic even when physically I was so tired and feeling I was dying of lack of sleep or  to much activity going in during the day, those times will be:  my mission, marriage  and motherhood. The three of them required me of or about someone else, serving them in every way possible , being attentive to their needs and wants and being responsive in a loving way.

One of them just lasted 18 months my second and third  one is a lifetime privilege that I encounter with daily. But why the explanation behind me finding the most happiness and pure joy when in the service of someone else?. Is easy, when we get to caught up thinking what will make ME happy, what will make ME comfortable and what will make ME this and that, we forget that there is a world out there, with people just like ourselves  trying to find that joy also. I will call it the Chain of life. Just like a necklace chain, it needs from the prior piece in order to complete the next one and so on until we have completed a beautiful necklace, that is the circle of socialization in life, unity and love for one another. We look for the opportunity to complete something else, find the fit in life. We need  to be that someone else in order to complete them and we need that someone else in order to be completed. Such things are JUST AS WELL AND FITTED TO MARRIAGE LIFE.

We have find that ONE person which we are looking forward to share not only emotional ups and downs,  but grown spiritually, improve physically and connect intimately with. All those things will be possible only if we are willing to do the 100% commitment of devoting ourselves  for that other person. That is where forgetting about myself come into place . In marriage there will be like and dislikes about each other’s preferences whether be food, housing, job opportunities, hobbies or even as simple of what type of pillow to use. We have to be aware that we both have different personalities and temperament and we have to be willing to adapt and modify in a lot of cases our own. We have to be willing to help to make decisions and not make them for them. We are to include each other’s thoughts and input and come to a one decision together.

 To modify or adapt to ones needs.   But why to modify?. We might be thinking differently in a lot of ways but, it will  be just when we are willing to bring it up and consult with one another that we will find then most peace and we will have more times when we agreed than the ones when we don’t. That doesn’t mean we will have just a perfect life and perfect companionship. There will be times when we will be tested, but this will be like a small wind that hits our wall without creating any further damage because those experiences prior that have strengthen in our marriage enough to make us and shape us like a ROCK!. In that process of shaping us we have to recognize one element that we have to be aware of, PRIDE. It can be completely destructive and fatal in many cases. When I was just married a lot of couples gave us different counsel and one of them that  have stocked  to me is the one that says:  NEVER GO TO BED MAD AT EACH OTHER OR PLAYING THE COLD SILENT GAME. You are to always try your best to resolve your issues or differences before going to bed. Doesn't mean you have to stay up until 5 am in the morning when you both are so exhausted and cranky, but to give the time necessary for both parties to be in an agreement of what is going to be the next step. If we both agreed to sleep on it and discuss the next day, that itself is a great step of letting pride go and not letting it enter to our marriage. Blaming, being defensive about each other’s point and trying to feel superior is only going to destruct us or damage our marriage tremendously rather than strengthening   it. Pride as quoted by President Benson stop or limits progression. We are to work as a couple, compromising 100% each side and look for any way possible to bring that unity to the union. 

Greater love has no man than this

The hasn’t been a better and exemplary man other than the Savior that gave us the true example of how to serve, live and love. He was the One and chosen to leave a legacy of a way to return to our Heavenly Home.

In our daily responsibilities whether will be as a employee, business owner, stay at home mom, working mom or working dad, etc we are in continuous interactions with others and there will be everyday ways to show our love and respect and admirations for those ones around us with no hesitation. So If we are openly committed to do so with other, why is so hard to accomplish such things at home? With the ones that matter the most and that are of great worth for. In my personal life I will  refer to my husband and daughter. We go day by day thinking today we will do better in the way we communicate, interact, understand and listen to each other. Then another hectic day shows up and the desire of making a perfect day happen seems to fade when differences arise. How can I deal with my frustration when they come from the simple existence of the one I love, my husband? We are 2 totally different people, with different backgrounds and the way we think when performing the same task is completely opposite, but we have come to the point that, when we are making a project or big decision we talk it out with each other and then decide what will be best for our little family depending on what we agree TOGETHER. That word has a completely different meaning when in a team and developing that respect. That doesn’t mean problems will not come, of course they will, but the way we look at them will be completely different and more approachable and with the attitude of making work instead of running out of it.  We will apply as many say, the old era motto, WHEN SOMETHING IS BROKEN, WE FIXED NOT JUST TOSS IT AWAY. Conflict can be perpetual most of the times and it will be our choice to either adapt and accept or content all the time.

In the beginning I mentioned the Venus and mars personalities that my husband and I have. It hasn’t been easy  at all  however I have come to the conclusion that, even If we are different at the end we all planets so there will always be something to have I common. Is our main purpose to find those pieces that match us and makes us stronger rather than find the thousand pieces that we are not compatible with. Is there when we find the strength for our marriage. If marriage was easy  it wouldn’t be possible to be the kind of university that it is for all of us who are daily fighting the battle to have a lasting relationship. Compromising has been one of the things I have found very effective in my marriage and in the rearing of our daughter. We are to understand that the only person we can change is our own selves.  When we stop trying to change that other person but rather we  work together, we both will be able to progress and grow. 

Sex Saves the Soul

The 3 S’s

Sex Saves the Soul

As a latter day saint which was not raised in the Church, I was exposed and encounter with many things in life that brought a big question in my head, what sex will required and what it will be like when encounter with those feelings? How should I react to such feelings, and is it right to do it?. I got baptized in the Church of JesusChrist of latter day saints when I was 15  and I was very privileged to have wonderful leaders in our youth program which help us all of as young woman to prepare for that special day and to make sure we understood the answers of those questions. Today I can say it is right, when married with the right person. Things will naturally happen and as long as we both feel comfortable with it, the frequency of it will be determine by the spouses.

When I was entering college, many of my friends, were my age, 19 years old and they all were very sexually active with many people at a time and not just with one. For me, not only because of  what I have been taught but with the feeling I had inside of me, I work hard to keep clean and ready for that one person I was going to meet one day and decide to share my life with. I must say it wasn’t easy. I had a couple of boyfriends that were not members of the Church, which didn’t believe the same things I did, so It was hard for them to understand why, however they always respected me and my beliefs and never forced me to do anything I didn’t want to or that it wasn’t acceptable with what I believe to be true and right. However, having those feeling is not super interstellar or out of the norm, they are actually necessary to fulfill the purpose of sexual intimacy,  those days taught me a big lesson, if it is the right time and after being married with the proper authority, those feeling become more sacred than anything else, not only because they will help us to fulfill one of the biggest commandments to love thy neighbor as thy self and to multiply and replenish he earth which  both are  vital in a marriage relation and friendship.

Years past by and it was when I turned 27 that I had my dream come true. I was married in the temple and started my biggest adventure with my best friend. Little that I know everything I have been learning about intimacy was just the basics, everything else I was going to learn it was going to happen by personal conviction.

When It comes to intimacy, I feel it comes to one of the most sacred things a couple can experiment. Also we have the most pure yet true feelings in such act. Team Work, understanding, communication, each one’s personalities, compassionate feelings, sharing burdens, balancing life struggles and stresses and becoming one in one simple act is all part of it. Is very important that all of us as members and no members of the Church understand the powers that come with it.

In this changing world, now more than ever is important to be open, clear and detailed with our children and youth about what to expect and when to expected. The World see it as a normal thing and natural passion to be share with whoever is your lucky date that night. IS NOT LIKE THIS. Intimacy, intercourse or sex, whatever name we want to give it is to be share with in the walls of the holy matrimony and with the one and only person we are married with. This thought will be the one that will revive our life, strengthen our spirit and save our souls with its fulfilling power. 

Leaving behind the natural me!

Who would it think that marriage will required so little and give back so much. When I say so little I refer to, we are ask by the man of our dreams (hopefully) If we will marry them and we say YES!!!. That short line with a simple 3 letter response is our life changing experience, the one that will prepare us and teach us how to become more like a child?. What ? marriage will teach me to be like a child?. I thought we were supposed to be mature people in order to succeed in such unity. Being like a child doesn't mean acting childish ( even if at times is fun and distressful method) but instead think back for those of us who have kids. We can see them playing with other kids, having interaction whether be at the park, library, preschool, you named it and all of a sudden a fight starts, it takes less than 2 minutes for that same groups of kids to be all friends again and keep moving and rolling. Oh wow, how marvelous that formula will be in marriage If we can only apply it. 

being married for almost 4 years and looking forward for a forever with my man, I have seen the need to not only be willing to love unconditional, forgive and forget, be patient, team work, charitable and many other characteristics that I’m trying to work on in a daily basis. . Dr. Jonh Gottman talks in his book, 7 principles to make marriage work about the importance of knowing our love one. Knowing the basics will strength our road, but not only that, also the fact that we will be willing to help that other one to grow will bring the admiration desired from each one involved . He talked about thing we can do to strengthen our robes for those days that our ships are going everywhere because of  the storm that might be  hitting our port. Having those love maps will help us find our way out in a successful way, helping us to fix it instead of throwing it away. Hard and stressful things will happen because life happens but we are the one that can control and manage the stress. It hasn't been told to us that will prevent it If we follow this principles Gottman talks about, but it has been proven that we will be able to manage those stormy days. After almost 4 years of living, sharing, planning and working together to make it happen with my husband I can se where do this principles meet, how they will help and how vital they are to the success of our marriage. We have to forget about what I want, how I want it and how fast I want, because  It has become we. When we focus our efforts and desires in then well-being not only of mine own desires but my loved one, then the sharing a life together becomes more pleasant and enjoyable. Selfish is not to think I want to accomplish goals and succeed in those desires. Selfish is to think I can do it alone or ignoring the other person target point also. We are required to give in not to lose battle but to conquer it. Marriage is a battle and we are the strongest soldiers defending the same army together. 

HEARING HEARTS

Have you ever caught yourself listening to someone talk but actually being selective in your hearing? YES !!!!! that is totally me!. Sad to admitted but I have found myself many times doing this over and over again. I’m a very very independent woman that, dialogue has been hard for me too, to  plan and agree with someone else other than myself, not even on my records. Immature or selfish ? name it as you will, but has been my honest truth.  Awful I know but true, and once you have admitted it is easier to be treated right? YES !!!. Just like any other addiction recovery needs time, effort and commitment.  I have been privileged for being sharing my life and hopefully eternity with a sweet, loving and heart giving companion. We both have different speed limits built in but, we both love each other to the point of being willing to commit for more than eternity and have come to understand little by little that we both came to battle with a good shield built in, that One Third person that guides our marriage.  Wait, what? Third person? Who can even imagine that bringing a third person will helps us to be more loving and caring towards one another. Calm down audience, I invite you to keep reading to meet that one. Person I’m talking about, to understand the benefits of This One person needed in any relationship and so desperately vital  in marriage. That will be The Lord. So how I will make my audience and readers understand me If all might not be that much spiritual or spiritual at all. Hear me out and name your One Third Person the name that fits your believes better. I will take the courage to write what I have and continue to learn about turning to one another and including that Third person in our relationship. From my perspective, a vital step to success.

I have been known since a young age for being a go getter and thinking that, If admiited verbally my needs that will automatically dock points off my independent personality. Marriage has taught me the opposite. Even though my husband tends to forget very easy the things that I say, agreed or want to accomplish, those ones that will make and impact on our relationship are the ones that his brain is very capable of record and never forget (including the cookie dough promised years ago, wink wink) . That show me he cares and is aware of my needs and takes them personal. But why is so important to verbally express those needs. What is the importance of those bids in marriage .  A bid in couples are essential to create, build or re-stablish connection. Quality connection is a must. Sometimes we are there but not present and that is one of the biggest failures in marriages, communication and connection. With all the new technology and everything that surrounds us daily, we are more prompt to forget and simply don’t care at all. I have been caught in this rhythm many times so I have missed the beat on the quality of conversations and connection I can build with my man. At the end of the day, the only one loosing is me. Gottman’s major point is that repeated failure to turn toward in response to our significant other bids leads our  to stop making bids. The relationship sags and both partner feels lonely.(Chapter 5). Is evidently that If we forget to boost that energy in marriage and built the right connections with a sincere desire to care we will NOT  be able to build a strong  foundation that will allow us to choose the best  when making decisions or looking for then best for our family, our spouship ( I made that one up, means spouse and friendship connection) to look for what will benefit both interests. That is where the Third person comes in play. He will guide us and helps us come to the point were the needs of each member are met and we can feel that stronger connection between the two.

For a few weeks now I have been trying the line that goes  “so what I’m hearing from you is …and parrot what my husband has just expressed to me. That have helped me be more attentive and have more of a loving mind and hearing heart. A heart that is not only trying so hard to leave the natural me but a heart that can listen to the beat of our love song, our mutual connection, our stronger bids.